“I’m truly sorry, I’m only human!” Only human? Basically, we use this statement to point to the obvious reality that we are flawed and imperfect beings. But, is that what it means to be human? Is being only human a bad thing?
What if being only human is a good thing? The problem isn’t actually our humanity, but all of the things that get in the way of being fully human. Perhaps what we mean is, I have this habit of making choices that inhibit me from being fully human. This temptation to trade our full humanity for something else, is something we all experience on some level.
So what is it that makes you and I fully human? What is our defining essence? I believe at the core of who we are as humans is our intrinsic longing for relational intimacy. And not just romantic intimacy, that’s only one aspect of love. I’m referring to an expanded image of intimacy; our need to love and be loved, to feel as though we are truly known, fully valued, and completely accepted by others.
Love woos us, captivates us, compels us, moves us, and occasionally even torments us. It’s possibly the most life-giving and most dangerous arena of our lives. No matter how unique and different we are from each other, center to our being is a craving for genuine intimacy. To feel deeply connected. Although, we may not want to admit that because our western culture values individualism, independence, and autonomy. To need connectedness with others almost sounds weak, doesn’t it?
Isn’t it interesting that one of the most intense form of punishment we inflict on a criminal is solitary confinement? Removing an individual from interaction with others is torturous. It points to the need for the soul to deeply connect with other people.
Our western mindset preaches look out for number one, and it’s your right to do whatever you feel like. All in the name of independence and freedom. However, a few years back I heard an entirely new way of thinking about freedom that’s reshaped my perspective. It’s the belief that genuine freedom isn’t license to do whatever I want, it’s the ability to live most lovingly — to live most human. The ability to love without limit is freedom without boundaries. I am truly free when I live generously and not be bound by greed. I’m free to be gracious and merciful, not feel the need to judge and prove I’m better than another. I’m free to take risks and live courageously, not to be tempted by apathy or motivated by fear of failure.
Recently, i was hurt by someone i care deeply for. I felt rejected because the love i offered wasn’t mutual. What was i supposed to do? At the time, I felt the safest place to be was to withdraw and disconnect from others. The rejection, the unmet expectations, the feeling of being betrayed by love, moved me to become embittered to love. Ironically, love was the ointment i needed to heal. My remedy of choice, however, was to hide in isolation. I’m not going to be vulnerable and feel the pain anymore! And sadly, i feel as though that choice caused my core to wither. The more disconnected i chose to become from meaningful relationships, the more indifferent I became to the welfare of others. I had extended the invitation for bitterness, envy, arrogance, and self-centeredness to take residence in my heart.
I became…. well, inhumane.
Fear of genuine love causes us to settle for the impostor. Because we feel at our gut level as though something is missing, we latch on to counterfeits that pose as love in attempt to satiate our craving for intimacy. We look for substitutes to sooth our feeling disconnected, alone, insecure, self-hatred, feeling invisible, and the list goes on. The scent, taste, and touch of the impostors lure us in. We obsess over work to feel significant. We choose cheap meaningless sex to feel empowered and control. We enter into an unhealthy relationship so we simply don’t have to feel alone. We talk negatively about other people to feel better about ourselves. We follow empty religion to numb the lingering guilt and shame. We get caught up in uncontrollable addictions to that reach that euphoric sense of being alive.
The perception is, the impostor will make the emptiness go away and yet, our cravings are only temporarily satiated. The impostor actually controls us and ultimately take us away from intimacy. We are left us feeling even more lonely and disconnected than we started with.
I am convinced that we become most human by embodying a life of love, not simply feeling love with our emotions. This is about being and becoming love. When our whole person embodies love our thoughts are instinctively loving, our values become other-focused rather than self-focused, our actions are naturally edifying, and we shift from begin self-serving to showing others they are valued. Love is not passive, but active. The person who travels the way of love, doesn’t approach relationships wondering what can this person do for me, they ask how can I be a gift to this person. They don’t view people as products to consume, they see relationships as opportunities to invest.
I’d like to close with a question for your personal meditation and reflection:
Do you feel, taste, and experience intimacy with others? What if you asked a friend who knows you well that same question? Do they see you the same way you see yourself? Be honest with yourself about this because often there is a gap between our picture of how we would like to be and how we really are.
Tags: imposter self, love
